Asuka Got Issues!
by shade of life
Summary: A funny little Songfic based on "She's Got Issues" by "The Offspring".


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Evangelion. Happy now?

**Author's Notes: **Well folks, I'm finally back. I have been taking a break from writing to concentrate on some other aspects of my life (Such as graduating, partying and studying for a drivers licence), but now I'm back with a head full of ideas nothing more to do than write.

This time I will be trying my hand at writing a songfic, and if you like it there's plenty more where this came from. The characters are violently OOC but that's the whole point. 

Let's get it on!

Italics are the lyrics of the song. 

The Swedish Royal House proudly presents:

Asuka Got Issues 

By: Shade

Asuka was sitting together with Misato at the local club. For once in her life she felt completely at peace with herself, she had been dating Shinji for almost a year now and she had a hunch that he was going to ask her to marry him soon. She had almost gotten rid of all his bad habits, such as saying "Sorry" all the time and peeking on girls in the shower, of course he denied it but she knew what was going on inside of that head of his. All boys are perverts by the laws of nature, but that was going to change as soon as they got their own place and got the family started.

"Hey wake up, they're starting." Misato nudged Asuka in the side to snap her out of her reverie and place her attention on the stage.

A couple of months ago Shinji had started a band with some of the guys from school. They played mostly covers, but weren't half bad. Why he had decided that the band should be called "The Blue-eyed Psychos" she would never understand, but it was nice that he had gotten himself a hobby.

The band had finished setting up and Shinji took place behind the microphone, he looked quite nice in a couple of black jeans and a white t-shirt.

"Ok, I wrote this song myself and it's dedicated to my girlfriend, Asuka this for you babe." He said as the opening cords of the song started to pour out of the speakers. Asuka swelled with pride, she was sure that she was the envy of all the girls in the room by now, she would have to reward him for that later on.

And then he started singing.

_I'm seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind  
Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind  
 She talks about synch scores and that piloting thing  
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit  
  
Oh man she's got issues  
And I'm gonna pay  
She thinks she's the victim  
Yeah_

_  
_To say that Asuka was shocked would be an understatement. Why was Shinji, Her Shinji singing these horrible things about her? It had to be some sort of misunderstanding. Yeah, that's it, a big misunderstanding.

_  
Now I know she'll feel suicidal  
If I ever break her scores  
And I know she hates Ayanami's guts  
But slashing her face is just to much_

"Hey, that was never proven! The judge said I was innocent!" Asuka screamed as she bolted upright, only to be wrestled to the ground by Misato.

"Just calm down and everything will be alright," She mumbled soothingly into her ear. 

  
_Oh man she's got issues  
And I'm gonna pay  
She thinks she's the victim  
But she takes it all out on me  
  
I don't know why you're messed up  
I don't know why your whole life is a chore  
Just do me a favour  
And check your baggage at the door  
  
_

"Let go of me damn you!" Asuka was trying to wrestle free of Misato who were struggling to keep the redhead under control. According to the agreement she had with Shinji she had to buy him time to finish the song, and if possible a couple of minutes head start before she could let go.  

_  
Now she talks about a guy named Kaji non-stop, but I don't mind  
But when she calls out his name in bed  
That's where I draw the line  
You told me a hundred times how your Mother killed herself  
But I wish you wouldn't call me "Mama"_

_When we're gettin' it on  
  
_

"I DO NOT!! HOW DARE YOU!?!" came a roar that even managed to overwhelm  the loud music. Shinji was starting to get very nervous. "_Just a little while longer Misato_" he thought as he threw himself into the chorus again.

_  
Oh man she's got issues  
And I'm gonna pay  
She's playing the victim  
And taking it all out on me  
My god she's got issues  
And I'm gonna pay  
  
If you think I'm a pervert  
Then why can't you stay away from me  
If you say you're the greatest  
Then why do I always save your ass  
  
_

"Save my ass!? That's it, you're dead Shinji, I will tear out your heart with my teeth! DO YOU HEAR ME!?" she hollered as she repeatedly flung herself into a wall to get rid of Misato who clung to her back like a leech.

_  
I don't know why you're messed up  
I don't know why your whole life is a chore  
Just do me a favour  
And check your baggage at the door_

As the last chords faded out Shinji once again grabbed the microphone. "Asuka, I just want you to know that you are the most fucked up bitch I have ever seen. I'm breaking up with you and moving in with my dad, cause frankly, you're scarier that he is. Sayonara psycho!" and with that he ran through the back door, followed by incoherent swearing in German and the sound of Misato being thrown clear across the room.

In the ally behind the bar he leaped into Kaji's car that stood waiting.

"Go, go, go!" he shouted to the man as they sped out of the ally with screeching tires.

"Thanks for the help Kaji, I never thought I would get her of my back." Shinji thanked the man as they rushed down a street.

"Don't mention it, I've helped out in many a difficult breakup, not to mention suffered through a couple myself." He answered with a grin.

"I bet you weren't required as a getaway driver in many of those."  Shinji said as they stopped at a traffic light. 

"You'd be surprised." He answered, just as a wooden table leg shattered the rear window, and stopped halfway through the windshield.

"AAAAHHHH!!! She's gaining on us!" Shinji screamed as Kaji blasted through the intersection, narrowly missing a beige Volvo, and raced down the street.

 "We can probably loose her on the freeway." Kaji stated with a bit shaky voice.

"Don't count on it." Shinji answered as he ducked when another table leg came flying into the car.

They didn't slow down for a very long time.

THE END?

***********

I don't know if this has been done before (Wouldn't be surprising, it's so damn obvious) but here's my take on it anyway. This fic was of course based on the song "She's Got Issues" by "The Offspring". If you like it I have ideas for several other songfics, and not all of them are humour either, so feedback would be appreciated.


End file.
